Taking Charge of Our Family — Husbands and Fathers

M2 Week 6:

Husbands and Fathers

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.

Proverbs 18:22

Recap

We’ve been on a journey of discovery. We discovered that there’s a problem with manhood today in week one and have set out to discover true, authentic manhood. We started with our core, our makeup and with the question “who” we are. Hopefully, we discovered more about “who” we are through our spiritual gifts and personality profile tests, and really being introspective with our heart. Our heart matters and what we love will often help determine our purpose.

We learned “when” we are by defining the zeitgeist or culture of the day and our roles within it. We also learned “how” we are to respond to our world, which is found in 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us.” Our response to the world should be motivated and interwoven by love. The 30 Commands to love found in Romans 12 are impossible unless we first receive the love of God. It is the foundation of our world.

This week, we will help discover our “why”. We live to leave a legacy. We live to leave the world a better place. God placed eternity inside of you (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and that longing is only fulfilled in the perpetuation of our species, through children and discipleship. We have a deep longing to be remembered after we’re gone. God placed that longing within you and that starts with our family, both the ones we’re born with and the ones we make along our journey.

Why We Are

Your first “why” or commandment by God is to “be fruitful and multiply”. (Genesis 1:22) That means you’re (probably)* supposed to start a family one day if you haven’t already. If you’ve started your family, then you know the blessing that they can bring. You know that to protect them, lead them, provide for them, is your first “WHY” outside of your relationship with God.

Today, there are fewer and fewer traditional family units. Pew Research states that 4 in 10 Americans have a step-parent, sibling or half sibling. No matter how functional or dysfunctional your family was, when you start your own family, you get to choose the template by which your family will live. I hope and pray that you’ll choose the foundation that the mighty warrior Joshua chose, “But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15 NIV) The family that raised you might have served the god of alcohol or addiction. They may have served the god of favoritism or pride. But you get to choose your family’s spiritual lineage. It’s your choice. No matter what happened to you in the past, you get to choose this day, whom you will serve. Don’t let your parent’s failures keep you from the blessing of having your own family.

*There are some that are not called to start a family. They are by far the minority, but if God has called you to that, I honor you. For the rest of us, it is good for us to be family men.

Part I: Our Role as Husbands

Q: What is our role as husbands?

Ephesians 5:23

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Understanding our Role

God made you to be the spiritual head of your home. That doesn’t mean you lord it over our family or live with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Being the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church means we should examine how Christ is the head to help us understand our role.

Q: How did Jesus treat His church?

Christ Loved the Church

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Giving Ourselves

What does that mean, “and gave himself up for her”? I believe Paul is referring to the cross. Jesus loved the Church so much that He went to the cross for her. Why did Jesus go to the cross? So that we may be reconciled to Him. Jesus made the initiative in reconciliation even though man was first sinful. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”.

This is difficult to do in a relationship. This means that we’re the initiators of reconciliation. When there’s an argument—and there’s sure to be arguments… We should be the first to initiate making up.

Q: What does Giving Yourself mean to you?

Four Easy Rules for Arguing

1. Never Bring Up Past Arguments. Once a disagreement is behind you, don’t bring it up again. There’s no keeping score. Let the past be the past. (That also means to watch your tongue and make sure you don’t say something that could be damaging to your wife.)

2. Don’t sleep on it. Don’t give the devil a foothold into your marriage. If you’re angry, stay up and fight angry until one of you gets tired and decides to make up. Make a commitment to pray before you go to bed every night. It’s difficult to sincerely pray for someone while you’re angry.

3. The “D” Word is off limits. If you have an old dictionary on the shelf, take a Sharpie and blot out two words that should be out of your vocabulary. Impossible—because nothing is impossible with God. Divorce—because no matter what, you’re making it through. Don’t let divorce be an option. If you have divorce in your family, break the curse of divorce by making a covenant with your wife. (Technically, if she’s your wife, you are already in covenant.)

4. Listen. Stop arguing and listen to what your wife is saying. Many arguments continue when one person doesn’t feel like they’re respected or heard. Stop defending yourself for a moment and really listen to what she’s saying. Also, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Try to really understand what she’s saying by viewing the argument from her perspective. She will respect you and honor you more if you do this, even if you agree to disagree.

Guide Her Spiritually: Pray for your Wife

John 17:20-23

²⁰ “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, ²¹ that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. ²² I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— ²³ I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Your marriage is a light to others. The family is really the first church. Jesus talks about unity within the church and there’s no unity within the church if our marriages are fractured. As men, we have to fight for our marriages by having the courage to step out there, be vulnerable to our wives, be humble with them, love them—even more than they love us if necessary, and pray over them. Our role is heavy. It is not the easiest role. Many will quote that our wives are supposed to submit to us and that may be true, but a wife will not follow someone who is not spiritually in line with Christ for long.

“Man has long studied the form of a woman, but has neglected her soul.”

--Robert Bly

Humble Your Soul

Philippians 2:8 says, “And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!”

Humility in a relationship goes a long way. When you put her needs before yours, honor her and love her, she will follow your lead. We defeat the enemy with the opposite spirit. If your wife is prideful, show humility. Put her first and watch her pride melt away.

The Game Plan

Do you know your wife’s love languages? Years ago, Gary Chapman wrote a powerful little book called “The Five Love Languages” and it outlined the different ways we receive love. The book is profound and has had a huge impact on marriages across the world. The author submits that we all receive love in five different ways and there is one way that makes us feel more loved than others. That is our personal love language. Here are the five:

• Physical Touch

• Time

• Gifts

• Acts of Service

• Words of Affirmation

If you’d like to take the quiz together with your wife, here is a link below:

https://5lovelanguages.com

Chapman submits that we all have one or two of the Love Languages that are dominant. If you don’t know your wife’s love language, ask her! If she doesn’t know, take the test together. It will be a great bonding experience and I highly recommend you read the book together as a couple. It has helped Sara and me get in tune with each other and we’ve laughed a lot about each other’s love languages over the years. If we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, let’s be intentional about that love. If you were playing defense against a football team that liked to run the ball between the tackles a lot, you’d stack the box and walk those linebackers up closer so that you could win the game! That’s a winning strategy for a game; we need a winning strategy for our wife’s heart!

Physical Touch

Physical touch is probably easier for most guys than some of the others on this list because it’s usually a predominant love language for men. However, there is physical touch that is intimate but doesn’t have to be sexual. If your wife’s love language is physical touch, initiate contact with her that is non-sexual, at first.

Time

Go on a date with your wife! I have the hardest time putting my phone down sometimes, but lately, we’ve decided on a digital sunset. That means, after 9pm, I put my phone down, look over at Sara and say, “this is your time now”. I’m guilty of being so lost in the day, answering calls, texts and emails that I hardly ever concentrate on just one thing at a time. We try to say we are multitasking, but science has proven that we can only focus on one thing at a time. When you spend time with your family, be intentional. Be there in the moment. Don’t let distractions invade your space. That’s why having a digital sunset or a box to place phones on the table is a healthy way to say to your family, “You’re important.”. Carve out your time and push away the rest of the world for a little while. Having a meal together is another great way to spend quality time with our wife and family. The table was modeled by Jesus. There is power in breaking bread together and just enjoying each other’s company. No matter your family dynamic, be intentional enough with time that you may even put it on the family calendar. Do this consistently. Not just with your wife, but also with your children. Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” No one wishes they had spent more time on the golf course when they’re on their death bed. Spend more time with the ones you love! (Michael Scott of “The Office” would say, “Who would buy a death bed?” How morbid is that?”)

Gifts

Ephesians 4 says that Christ gave gifts to the Church. He gave freely and abundantly. There is nothing lacking in God’s economy. Even if your wife’s love language isn’t gifts, I encourage you to take good notes about the things that your wife likes and surprise her as often as your budget allows. Investing in your relationship in this way will demonstrate to your wife that you love her and put her above your own needs.

Don’t come home with a new set of golf clubs, but then complain when your wife buys a new pair of shoes or has a spa day. When you put your wife above your own wants or desires, your marriage will begin to thrive.

Acts of Service

One of the most beautiful things you can do is to demonstrate to your family how to serve them. Jesus washed the feet of His disciples. How can you wash the feet of those in your family? Pray about ways that you may demonstrate Acts of Service to your family. You’ll be teaching them more than you know when you submit to this principle. You’ll also place inside of them a sense of honor for you.

Simple Acts of Service

• Wash the dishes

• Fill up her car with gas

• Make her favorite dinner

• Fold her clothes

• Lighten her load.

Words of Affirmation

Everyone needs encouragement. Your wife longs to hear that she is beautiful. She desires to be desired by you. She has a longing to feel wanted and needed by her husband. This is one reason why pornography is so detrimental to a marriage. When you satisfy your lusts with the images of other women, it diminishes the gift of a wife that you have.

Public Service Announcement

If you have a problem with pornography, please ask for help. There is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16) God can heal you of this brokenness.

Please text HELP to this number:** 251.648.7580**

We will pray for you and help you through the process of healing.

Give Her Your Body

Our bodies aren’t our own. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” This isn’t just about sex, men. It’s about the way we take care of ourselves, as well.

• How we eat.

• How we sleep.

• How we take our Sabbath.

Your body is hers and vice versa. Do you eat like your body is hers? Are you grooming yourself or taking care of yourself the way she would want? Are you living in a way that you’ll be able to take care of her when you’re 85 and not just when you’re 55? Jesus freely gave His body to the Church. If we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, then we are also to give our bodies to our wives.

Wife Love Litmus Test

• Do I love what my wife loves?

• Her children

• Her dreams

• Her vocation

• Her desire to nest/decorate her home

Boundaries Litmus Test

• Do I have one-on-one lunch with other women, even co-workers?

• Do I wear my ring

• Do I have any of my Ex’s on Social Media

• Do I have phone numbers in my phone of anyone I shouldn’t

• Does my wife have all my passwords?

• Do I have an Accountability Partner (NOT YOUR WIFE)

Part II: Our Role as Fathers

“We teach what we know, we duplicate what we are.”

--John Maxwell

• We speak life over our children.

• We do not frustrate our children.

• We draw out the gifts of our children.

• We intentionally raise our children.

• We want our children to/be:

• Love God

• Be Kingdom minded

• Be independent

• Be humble

• Be problem solvers

• Be leaders

• Be good stewards

• Be Compassionate

• Be Generous

• Be Hard-working

• Be Adaptive

How do we nurture these qualities in our children?

• We pray over our families

• Pray WITH our families

  • Pray over their future spouse

  • Pray over their future vocation

• We lead by example.

• Serve in a local church

• Find outreach projects/Help someone in need

  • Church of the Highlands Serve Day

• Teach our children tithing and giving (Model it first)

• Teach hard work

  • Work hard

  • Don’t coddle them

  • Give them progressively more difficult tasks/chores

From John Maxwell's 21 Laws of Leadership

Law Number 6. Law of Solid Ground. Trust is the foundation of leadership. You cannot continually break trust with people and continue to lead them.

• Competence

• Connection

• Character

People will allow occasional mistakes but not if you have cracks in your character

• Character communicates consistently

• Character communicates potential

• Character communicates respect

7. The Law of Respect: People naturally follow people stronger than themselves.

Example: Harriet Tubman

Followers are drawn to leaders they think better of than themselves. It doesn't take long for the strongest leaders in a room to show themselves

5 reasons people respect others

1. Natural leadership ability

2. Respect for others

3. Courage

4. Success is very attractive

5. Loyalty.

Look at who you attract

How do your people respond when they ask for commitment or change

The more you grow as a leader, the better people you attract

10. The Law of Connection. Move their heart before you can ask for their hand.

Frederick Douglas.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Communicate with openness and sincerity. Authentic leaders connect. Live your message. Practice what you preach. Go where they are. Lower the barriers. I adapt to others, not to me. Believe in them.

Law Number 12: The Law of Empowerment

Henry Ford Jr.: not empowering. Created a group to spy on his employees. Company kept losing its best executives.

• Only secure leaders give power to others. To lead others well, we must help them become more powerful.

• Empowerment creates constant change.

• Lack of self-worth is a deterrent. Self-conscious people are rarely good leaders.

• Lincoln built a cabinet of dissenters, not people who agreed with him.

• Lincoln took blame for his leaders failure and gave credit for people's successes.

Law 13: The Law of the Picture

• People do what people see.

• Band of Brothers: The story of Easy Company. Dick Winter. Set the example. Lead first into combat. Energy, passion and motivation.

• Followers are always watching what you do. Our children always learn by what their parents do more than what they say.

• Don't teach anything you're not trying to live out.

• Ethics: need to be taught and modeled. Leadership by example is always on display.

Law 21: The Law of Legacy

A leader’s lasting value is the Law of succession. What do you want people to say at your funeral?

Only people live on after we are gone

• Many times, people invest in things, businesses, processes or other intangible things

• A legacy lives in people, not things or businesses

• Achievement comes by individual accomplishments

• Success comes when they empower followers to do big things with them

• Significance comes when they develop leaders to do with them

• Legacy comes when they develop leaders to do great thing